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shoreview3

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working hard for the money [Oct. 9th, 2008|08:20 pm]
shoreview3
I started a full time job at Next, a clothing store popular here in the UK. I leave the house at 6:20 am. Oddly enough so far it hasn't bothered me getting up early (though I'm sure complaints are sure to follow). It's kinda cool walking past the craigs before daylight.

I'm in the stockroom, which is brilliant for the fact that I don't have to deal with people. It's mindless work--unpacking clothes, tagging them by size, and putting them away but it will pay the bills until something better comes along. In the breakroom I overheard two co-workers talking about how they hated how the university students come in to work and act like they are too good to be there... I tried to hide a smile :)

I spent the majority of yesterday talking with this guy I work with about America and all the cultural differences between the UK and US. Taco Bell dominated the conversation :)I asked him if he knew what mt. dew was and he said yes, he's tried the green "juice" once. Oh mt dew, how I miss you!

Yesterday was a big day for mail. I got my dissertation results (71, which is pretty good by the grading system used here)and got the latest edition of Mslexia which included a 100 pound check for my book review which appears in the issue. It's the first thing I have had published in an internationally recognized magazine--pretty darn exciting. Granted, the book review was part of the internship, but hey, it's still pretty nifty!

Mine's the one titled "One of a Kind"
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Wednesday [Oct. 1st, 2008|03:52 pm]
shoreview3
I can honestly say I have never been in this sort of position, or felt like this, in my entire life.  It's hard to explain WHAT it is exactly...sort of a lost, displaced, floating, halfasleep, uncertainty.  I've decided it's probably wiser to embrace it than comiserate it, which isn't the easiest thing, but I'm givin it a go.  So i've been trying to keep myself occupied by walking into town everyday.  I spend a lot of time at the library, lot of time reading, and the rest is walking to town and back.  I try to see it as an adventure every time I go out...it's a heck of a lot better than sitting in my room alone. 

I was out walking yesterday and came across a really funny road sign advertising Gent Toilets THIS WAY (arrow).  Made me think it might be fun to start a live journal up for funny sights in edinburgh...what do you all think???

I had an interview yesterday at Next, a clothing store.  Retail (AHHHHHHHHHHH) but at least it's something.  Got a call back this morning and she said she would call again this afternoon--I am in the depths of anticipation...
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observations Monday [Sep. 22nd, 2008|06:30 pm]
shoreview3
[Current Mood |better]

Walking to the city centre, Tour buses are a constant on the road.  People point and take pictures.  I walk past with my groceries.  I live here.  When did I stop being a tourist? Or am I still?

Other ironies--checked my email to find a fantastic travel offer--Edinburgh 3 days, 2 nights.  LOL!!!!  How about Edinburgh, 6 months?
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Edinburgh [Sep. 21st, 2008|06:38 pm]
shoreview3
I moved into my Edinburgh flat on Wednesday.  Cassie left for the states on Thursday.  My new flatmate, whom I had never met, arrived yesterday.  I've been trying to stay busy with unpacking, organizing and going out and getting better aquainted with the city.  I honestly feel lost at the moment.  Every time I have ever made a move like this, it has been for a purpose--university.  Now, it is for a person.  That changes things.  In some ways I think it makes it harder.  I know I would be miserable if I had gone home.  At least here I can use public transport and work (hopefully!!! If not I am soooooo screwed!).  But it's going to take a lot of getting used to.  I have no one here but Jason.  I feel alone.  I know I will get used to it eventually, it's just going to be rough going for a while.  Please keep me in your prayers.
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a week to go [Sep. 9th, 2008|09:54 pm]
shoreview3
[Current Mood |tiredtired]

I should be happy.  I should be sad.  What I am instead is like the sunset I saw tonight over the craigs of Edinburgh--something that is breathtaking and heartbreaking, filling and empty with loneliness for unexplainable missing.

I feel grown up. I feel old. I am waiting for life to begin as it overtakes me.  Consumes me. Get by...another year passes. 

I don't know where I belong anymore or where I am suppose to be.  I feel like a ship in open water, no land in sight.  Nothing but me and the sea for miles.

Wake up--some days in awe walking cobblestone streets past ancient ruins...it is all so different...and the same. 

Wake up--some days in displacement, everything foreign, unfamiliar.  Everything NOT home.

How did I get here?  How did THIS become my day to day?  I am blessed.  I am lost.  I am fearful.  I am hopeful.  Most of all, I am unable to comprehend.  The year that has passed.  The year that is yet come.
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(no subject) [Jul. 12th, 2008|11:38 pm]
shoreview3
[Current Mood |discontentdiscontent]

so it's been a while...

I was going to abandon LJ for good, but there comes a time in ones life when writing/sharing becomes necessary/theraputic. 
Life has been a little too crazy and stressful lately.  Not to say that I have more on my plate than others, but I wonder sometimes how I haven't developed some horrible stress related illness...or at least ulcers.  I knew it would come to this when I decided to move to the UK, but I imagined it would be easier somehow.

I started a new job working in libraries across Newcastle.  Instead of hiring you at one location, they cast you to the winds and you can land at any of the 18 branches at any hour of the day.  Saying this sucks is putting it mildly.  You never work with same people and each branch does things differently.  How I am suppose to become a competent employee through this system I have yet to figure out.  That's not mentioning the language barrier (just cause they speak english doesn't mean you can understand it).  For example just a FEW of the words I encountered today:

ticket = library card
discharge = check out
zed = z
canny = nice
lush = attractive/nice
skint = broke

We are not talking about a light English accent here...we are talking "ghetto" Geordie.

In addition to this new job, I am writing my dissertation (which is suppose to be "higher quality" than previously turned in work) and volunteering at Mslexia, a women's literary journal,  three times a week.  Add to this the fact that I am properly skint, will be homeless in two months, and will quite possibly be saying goodbye to Cassie who will probably have to go home in two months.

Not sure how much more I can handle right now on the stress meter.  I keep telling myself to take one day at a time...but man, there is just sooooo much to worry over right now.  Turning 29 was like a, "OH CRAP!" wake up call.  This is my adult life--and it's off to a crazy fast start.  The MA program at Newcastle was a reality check, not much else.  It made me realize a lot of things about having a writing life and made me make a lot of dream shattering decisions.  I haven't even mentioned being horribly homesick.  And now, once again it's nearing a time of transition. 

I want to put down roots and find home again!
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on sunshine, daffodils, and challenges [Apr. 6th, 2008|04:32 pm]
shoreview3
Things feel like they are turning around.  The smallest whisper, the tiniest glimpse of the what and where of my life is being revealed layer by layer.  It's encouraging.  I don't know if it was the warm weather and sunshine, the book i've been reading, or something in the water, but the other day was the first full day I have had in a long time--one of those days when it's simply good to be alive, when daffodils make you smile and you realize how good it feels to laugh out loud over pure happiness. I can't remember the last time I was completely alone and felt that happy! I think it showed me how so much of my life is wrapped up in others and how I too often forget to do things for myself and enjoy MY life.  I need to learn to cope better with so many things and people in my life--my body has been reacting in various ways to the stress of it all for a long time.  I'm weary and ready for a change.  I'm ready to be challenged and excited for the outcome!
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(no subject) [Mar. 27th, 2008|11:08 am]
shoreview3
Most of the time I forget how lucky I am to be amongst a community of writers.  At RC I would get excited if one person in a class of 20 happened to mention they scribbled poems every now and then.  Now, every person in every one of my classes is a writer and is pursuing writing as a life long occupation.  How cool is that! I'm gonna miss it when it's over!
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lost [Feb. 29th, 2008|03:03 pm]
shoreview3
[Current Mood |discontentdiscontent]

This wasn’t what I hoped for…or how I pictured it.  Everyday I realize how amazing it is to be here…yet being here is a struggle.  I wish for more and find myself being less.  I wished for an amazing experience at the university, and instead find it a roller coaster of mediocre and somewhat good sometimes.  I find people I love spending time with, but at the end of the day find myself questioning friendship and how I seem to be the one always reaching out—not being found. My days are mostly empty, unless I push myself to learn—a process I grow weary of.  I have gone enormously into debt and find I have nowhere I want to be when it is all over.  I have no plan, though I desperately want one. 

In my Life of Writing class this week we were asked to write down goals for the next few years and obstacles in achieving them. My mind drifted to so many things…but they all led to one thing—security. Getting married, being able to entirely provide for myself, having a permanent place to live…all the things I assumed would be taken care of by now.  I wrote down a writing goal instead—Have a secure job working in the publishing/editing industry.  What was the obstacle?  Not making enough money at this job, finding this most elusive job, having the necessary skills even after an MA to even qualify…the list goes on and on, only to show me it is a heartache goal. 

So, why am I here?  Because I couldn’t stay where I was…and right now that is a pretty unfulfilling answer.   

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end of 2007 [Dec. 31st, 2007|03:28 pm]
shoreview3
I count 83 pages
the year 2007 in words
cold beginnings spent searching
for direction, understanding, self
the applications went out
with excitement uncertainty
return with excitement uncertainty
until the decision is made
summer gardens
ludington one last time
his music the drive
harry potter at midnight
i return to the woods
one last time
goodbye rc
final months
we were all a sidewalk away
there are no appropriate  words
for these goodbyes
michigan
you  hold the five years
my beginning
that ended on a sunday
to begin again
I struggled
finding strength
packed for a year
to start over again
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