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February 29th, 2008 - Various ramblings [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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February 29th, 2008

lost [Feb. 29th, 2008|03:03 pm]
[Current Mood |discontentdiscontent]

This wasn’t what I hoped for…or how I pictured it.  Everyday I realize how amazing it is to be here…yet being here is a struggle.  I wish for more and find myself being less.  I wished for an amazing experience at the university, and instead find it a roller coaster of mediocre and somewhat good sometimes.  I find people I love spending time with, but at the end of the day find myself questioning friendship and how I seem to be the one always reaching out—not being found. My days are mostly empty, unless I push myself to learn—a process I grow weary of.  I have gone enormously into debt and find I have nowhere I want to be when it is all over.  I have no plan, though I desperately want one. 

In my Life of Writing class this week we were asked to write down goals for the next few years and obstacles in achieving them. My mind drifted to so many things…but they all led to one thing—security. Getting married, being able to entirely provide for myself, having a permanent place to live…all the things I assumed would be taken care of by now.  I wrote down a writing goal instead—Have a secure job working in the publishing/editing industry.  What was the obstacle?  Not making enough money at this job, finding this most elusive job, having the necessary skills even after an MA to even qualify…the list goes on and on, only to show me it is a heartache goal. 

So, why am I here?  Because I couldn’t stay where I was…and right now that is a pretty unfulfilling answer.   

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